Recently, I came across a post that says, “You can burden me. Our friendship is not fragile.” (by Jervy Fermin). That hit so hard. I wish I could say that to other people, too, o kahit man lang sana sa mga kaibigan ko. However, I am currently having a hard time staying kind when I am profoundly feeling the pain of my own wounds mixed with the wounds of other people.

When I reached this point where I feel so fragile, like I could not bear being burdened because I would be shattered into sharp, tiny pieces that could cut and hurt others, I realized that for the longest time, I may have been allowing others to burden me much more than I can bear; that I may not have been accepting who I truly am; and that I may have been trying to become someone I thought I need to be.

Clearly, something was not right. As the Lord has been gently showing me what I have done wrong (people-pleasing, which entailed overdoing, not setting healthy boundaries, not knowing one’s true worth, etc.), He is also graciously accompanying me in this journey of facing the truths that I have tried to escape and the process of of healing concealed wounds. And healing usually starts with being truthful and choosing to love.

I have been reminded that allowing myself to feel real, raw emotions (pain, anger, disagreement, etc.) is not only okay but is actually necessary to heal and grow. This is a basic, fundamental lesson taught earlier in life but buried by toxic positivity in recent years. Praise God for this time of unearthing the forgotten lessons and restoring the broken pieces.

Recalling how the genuine kindness of people at home and outside has been vital to my survival makes my heart swell with gratitude, joy, and hope. I am praying that little by little, my heart will be fortified yet be open again to receive and share God’s abundant grace; to allow myself to be burdened without being disturbed; and to welcome people in to my heart without unnecessary self-preservation, only healthy boundaries.

Somehow, there is something about being vulnerable and choosing to be kind that heals and strengthens a person along the way. It takes courage to begin to try, and to try to begin again when we fail to be kind.

And the kindness of other people, I hope I can pay it forward even when it is getting more and more challenging for me to lend a hand out of fear of getting hurt again. It is normal to feel afraid but I do not want to stay afraid. So, I have to keep trying, one step at a time, until I can freely give myself again but in the right way and for the right purpose this time–with and for Jesus.