Yung ang tagal mong pinangarap, pinagplanuhan, at pinaghandaan, tapos kakailanganin mong iwanan at pakawalan dahil hindi pala para sa’yo. The dream that used to be the center of my plans and the compass for my steps had to be released because I realized that it was not for me, at least at that time. That was heartbreaking, yet liberating.

For more than half of my life, I thought I wanted to become a religious sister (a nun). Why? I thought that my personality and my interests would fit; I thought that their living setup may work well for me, and I wanted to live my whole life doing what the Lord wants me to do–knowing Him more and serving His people–without having to worry about my own life.

A Time To Pursue

Even when people tell me, “Marami namang ways to serve the Lord.”, which is true, I was not deterred; “Uy! masyado kang maganda para mag madre!” (Weh?!), it flattered me, but still, I pressed on. (Syempre, hindi naman ako naniwala do’n! Slight lang. LOL.). Even when I migrated to the United States with my mother after college, that ‘dream’ of becoming a nun did not leave my mind.

I wanted to pursue the religious life right after college, but circumstances led me to work full-time, as we had just moved to the U.S. Until the time came when my family’s plans have been fulfilled, and I thought I could finally take action towards fulfilling my long-desired dream that, for me, had long been overdue.

I tried to discern with a couple of religious communities in the U.S. about my plan, but I really wanted to come home. With all the courage and God’s grace in the last quarter of 2021, I came home for good, then joined a religious community that had always been so familiar to my family and quite near in proximity from where we live.

A Time To Let Go

Amidst the convenience and the many advantages of the convent’s location, I wasn’t at home even after a year. Amidst the Sisters’ genuine warmth and kindness, I knew deep within that I was not meant to stay forever, but only just a while.

The overall experience was challenging yet fulfilling. I had many difficulties, which would naturally make people think, “no wonder she did not last.”. And yet, God has been faithful.

Hindi pumayag ang Diyos na lalabas ako ng convent dahil lang sa, “mahirap eh. Hindi ko kinaya.”.  Kung hirap lang ng chores, baka kahit 2 weeks hindi ako tumagal doon. Pero dahil nga faithful si Lord, His grace made me endure for a whole year, until I conquered the difficult things I used to fear–the things I used to think na hindi ko kaya.

I believed that the Lord cleared out from my heart first what could have been impure reasons to quit, and then gave me consolations (enlightenment and encouragement) that enabled me to accept the truth that I am not meant to stay there; that being a nun may have just been my call and not necessarily God’s will. So, I had to let go of what and where I once thought He called me to be.

A Time To Begin Again

The Lord has been graciously giving me time to recuperate–spending quality time with family, bonding with friends, visiting new places, catching up with my existing communities, and meeting and serving with new ones, all the while grieving for and healing the wounds that used to have been swept and kept under the rug but have now been brought to the light.

I realized how God has been so good to give me time and opportunities for the things I did not get to process and to savor before. The Lord has been blessing me with what I never knew I needed: the time to grieve, to reconnect, to explore, and to begin again.

Starting Anew

I had learned that the dream–the ultimate desire and the goal–and the compass that guides my steps and give my life direction should be none other than the Lord Himself. The ways of life and the various vocations are means to know, love, and serve Him better, but they are not the end goal.

As I continue to uncover more truths and get to know myself better, as my healing process continues, and as I strive to grow in love, the Lord grants the grace to start anew. I may not need to wait until I am completely healed and perfectly restored before I continue my journey and welcome new beginnings.

The road ahead is still uncertain. But this time, I would be walking with Lord–not apart from Him, not ahead or behind, but alongside Him–hand in hand, heart to heart.

I may have left the convent, but I am not abandoning Jesus.