It was last year when who used to be a good friend of mine had beaten me up and wounded me emotionally and spiritually. That was when I got to understand better what it means to set healthy boundaries and to let God fight and finish my battles that are ultimately His.
Having to (sort of) cut ties with a friend whose company and support I really enjoyed and am grateful for was painful and difficult. I have grown apart from some friends in the past but since they did not do anything that hurt me, we gradually let each other go kahit nakakapanghinayang yung friendship. Gano’n siguro talaga. We may have already served our purpose in each other’s lives and we have further purposes to fulfil with or for someone else. No hurt feelings.
But this one was different. I thought no one else had done this low to me. But I have been healing, although sometimes, I still ask myself if I am truly healing or if I am still stuck in pain. Just when something has prompted me to check on my healing progress once more, God allowed me to know the answer for myself, once and for all.
“Is It Normal to Cry from Something You Thought You Healed From?”
Yesterday, while I was browsing my Twitter timeline, I read a tweet from someone, asking this question. I checked my heart and thought to myself, “Okay nga lang ba?” And I thought, “why not?”. Kasi ganito rin ang naranasan ko eh.
It’s tempting to ask, “if I have truly healed from something, di’ba dapat hindi ko na iniiyakan?”. But I remembered what I have been taught from last year’s experience. Healing is a process, a gradual one.
And sometimes, crying over the matter is still part of the process. It could be that the healing process is not yet over, but it doesn’t mean na wala talaga tayong naging progress at all. So, no rush. Let’s not be too hard on ourselves.
“Have I already been healed? Yung Totoo?”
I felt like I was badly beaten up for several times, but God, through the people whom I trust and who truly care for me, had comforted me and empowered me, enabling me to decide to forgive even when the person did not ask for it or did not even admit what he had done. I realized that I have been forgiven first by Jesus, anyway.
So, I asked myself over and over again if I have already been healed. I guess I would never really get to find out for sure unless I could talk to the person who had hurt me again. And yesterday, I unexpectedly found out. Finally.
When I saw on my phone that he was calling, I hesitated to answer. But my mother urged me take the call. So, I did. And I am thankful to God and to mom that I did. Because as soon as we started talking on the phone, I checked my heart honestly and I did not feel any pinch of bitterness.
Amazingly, I am at peace. I am talking to him nicely and genuinely. Palagay ko, hindi naman ako tatagal na kausap siya kung hindi pa rin ako okay. I knew that it is not because I am a good and naturally forgiving person, but it’s because of the Holy Spirit working within me, guiding me at that moment.
We May Have Already Been Healed But We Still Need to Guard Our Heart.
The good old friend asked me for a favor. Apparently, he is starting a new career and he needs a letter of recommendation (among all the other requirements) to secure his license. Although, at that time when he said he is asking me a favor, I felt that I still need to be on guard even when I am genuinely willing to oblige to his simple request.
Writing a recommendation letter for him felt nostalgic. It made me reminisce the days when mom and I were just beginning a new life here in the U.S. as immigrants and he was that jolly, gay, and helpful friend from mom’s school who drove us around to different places, helping us get a job, and getting us acquainted to our new environment.
When I was about to e-mail him the letter as an attachment, I was tempted to write my heart out on the e-mail body and tell him about how grateful we are and will always be to him. But with a gentle tap from the Holy Spirit, I just kept the e-mail simple and concise, but still truthful and with gratitude. He replied with a simple thanks.
And I thought, okay na ‘to. Even though he expressed over the phone earlier that he would want for us to hang out again, I know what we need to do. It’s better to keep it this way; walang bitterness, walang okrayan, casual conversations, pero hindi naman required na maging BFFs ulit.
RIDDANCE OF BONDAGE IS REAL
My favorite author, FGirlWriter has posted a new story on Wattpad yesterday entitled, “Good Riddance”. I thought, sakto naman ang timing! (Wala lang, segue lang. LOL!)
I wish I could also ‘recommend’ Jesus to him also. But he directly and openly rejected Him to my face before when I wasn’t even preaching or evangelizing to him. But the Lord has already assured me that this is His job to do and this person is His to take care of. Jesus made it clear to me that I am not the one He assigned to shepherd to this wandering lamb (even when I am willing) and that it’s okay to let him go, He is taking it from here.
And I thought that was liberating. Having the unexpected chance to talk to him again is liberating. Being able to willingly do something good to help him is liberating. To no longer be in pain, to no longer be hurting is liberating. Like I have been freed from a bondage.
Am I now totally fearless? Wala na ba akong takot na baka masaktan o maalipusta ako ulit lalo na kapag nagkita kami ulit in person? No. I still have a little ounce of fear. And I think, a little ounce of fear is essential in order for me to not be reckless and to not trust way too much. To not have a single ounce of fear at all could possibly make me careless and irresponsible. And that’s not good either. So, I don’t totally get rid of the fear, but I should handle it with faith.
Now, I can freely and confidently say that I have healed from the pain that this person had inflicted, that if ever his tormenting of me in the past comes to my mind again out of the blue, I would know for sure that it is not because I am still unhealed but it is the Enemy throwing stuff to hurt me.
But God is with me. He has freed me from this bondage, and I know He is freeing me from other bondages as well. Again, it is a process. A real, gradual (and sometimes painful) one. But we will endure, persevere, and overcome. In Jesus, we surely will.
God bless you!
Photos are from: Pixabay and Unsplash