The first part of Katy Perry’s song, “Roar” described so accurately how I used to be before it dawned on me that I’ve had enough. And I’ve got no one else to blame but myself. (If the following content will somehow resonate with you, I hope you will learn something here)
I have just been noticing, God has His own ways of making me aware of the subtle internal issues that need to be addressed as part of the process of growing in His love. And I pray that through this post, others would be made aware, too.
Often, when faced with the truth, it could feel uncomfortable especially if I am unwilling to be confronted with reality. But, with the Lord’s faithfulness and gentle approach, I am assured that this is for the best and it will certainly be worth it.
From my experience, after being made aware of the existence of some underlying issue, it is necessary for me to admit and confess to the Lord about it in order that I may be set free from it and would continue to gradually grow more like Him.
My False Humility is Actually Pride in Disguise
I have watched one of Brother Bo Sanchez’s “Fulltank” on YouTube where he talked about false humility, and I was like, “ugh! Story of my life!”. It hit home.
I have been reminded of my own expressions of it which had somehow made me quite sick to my stomach. I badly wanted to please and to not offend everybody, but I ended up having false humility:
- Noon palang mga panahong nirereject ko halos yung mga praises and compliments na natatanggap ko sa pagkanta, sa pagiging huwarang mag-aaral, at sa magagandang characteristics ko sa halip na magpasalamat, false humility pala ‘yon. Haha. Kung anu-ano pang justification yung sinasabi ko about it, but at the end of the day, it’s pride.
- Yung pagiging mahiyain ko pala, ang totoo, pride din ‘yon. Yung inferiority complex is also rooted in my hidden superiority complex. Nilalait-lait ko pa noon ang sarili ko pero ang totoo, gusto ko lang na pabulaanan ng ibang tao yung sinasabi ko about myself by telling me my good qualities instead. I was acting like a wallflower, waiting for an opportunity to be given the centerstage, waiting for someone to discover my ‘hidden brilliance’.
- When I was being painfully quiet to the point of being almost mute dahil sobrang takot akong maka-offend na naman (after ng pagiging insensitive at taklesa level 999), I was actually just waiting for a chance to get everyone’s attention to listen what I had to say.
- Yung pagdepende ko ng happiness and worth noon sa validation and approval ng ibang tao, tsaka yung ‘playing dumb’ school of acting (Haha), it was also rooted in pride and self-centeredness. ‘Wag tutularan. Haha.
My Lack of Self-Confidence is Actually My Fear of Disappointing Anyone
Six years ago, I was a member of the youth choir in my home parish in Rizal, Philippines. Amid a trial within the group, our leader had to quit and he, together with the majority of our members wanted me to take over the role.
Sabi ko noon, “Hindi ko kaya.”, believing that I did not have any leadership skills and experience. Pero ang totoo, ayaw ko lang pala talaga. Natakot ako na makadisappoint ng ibang tao kapag hindi ko nagampanan nang maayos at mahusay yung responsibility. In short, I did not want to have any accountability.
After they elected me, I still accepted the leadership role… reluctantly. Ang resulta? I was not able to give my best in serving the purpose and in helping the group thrive. I delegated all the tasks to my officers, but I felt like I did not support them well enough as their leader. Parang pinabayaan ko lang sila on their own. I did not do what I needed to do for them. That was selfish of me.
But with God’s grace, the group still survived and was still able to get by even after I left for the states. Thank God!
The ‘Pity Party’ is Over
Dumating sa puntong ako na rin mismo yung napagod at nasaktan sa sarili kong kagagawan. Napagod sa mga pag oorganize ng ‘pity party’ at nasakal sa pagpipilit to ‘please everybody’. Buti na lang, ayoko na. I realized that the more I tried, the more I become dissatisfied. The empty space kept getting bigger and bigger. I knew that the Lord also said, “that’s enough.”
When I finally got tired, Jesus stepped in. Para bang hinintay Niya lang akong mapagod in handling things on my own at ako na mismo ang tumigil. He did not stop me by going against my freewill, but He had been using the situations and the things around me to let me know that I am overdoing it.
But before something changes and gets better, my self-pitying, my self-centeredness, my self-preservation, and my selfishness need to stop. Admitting all these is necessary and is truly liberating, but it does not finish here. I am still a work in progress.
BEING SET FREE FROM THE PRISON CALLED, “FALSE HUMILITY”
The Lord wanted me to learn the true humility. First, I had to reconnect with Him—authentically and genuinely this time—choosing Him to be my focus instead of myself or the world.
He introduced Himself to me again, letting me know who He truly is. He also re-introduced me to myself, letting me know my true identity in Him, letting me know how He sees me—precious, loved, worthy–so I no longer have to compare myself with anyone and to feel the need to be recognized and to be superior to anybody.
The Lord patiently taught and continues to teach me to be honest with Him, with myself, and with everyone else without fear, pretense, or pressure. He made me realize that my ‘playing small’ does not serve anyone, does not fulfill any purpose, and does not give me the chance to grow in the way He intended.
Admitting that I can’t do it all by myself and knowing that I don’t have to do it all alone for the Lord is my Strength, my Wisdom, and my ever-faithful Savior is truly humbling and encouraging.
So, whenever we are given an opportunity to serve, may we choose to be bold and brave, honest, and humble with the Lord as not only our ally, but also our Leader, Master, and King. Amen.
Photos Source: Unsplash and Pixabay