One time, yung isa sa mga best friends ko, nagshare sa’kin tungkol sa mga ganap niya sa office, sa mga kliyente, sa mga projects na hinahandle niya.

Because she is working in a field where she feels like she always has to put her best foot forward, at alam daw doon sa opisina nila na grumaduate siya na may honors pa, pakiramdam daw niya madalas na parang bawal siyang magkamali kasi very impressive ang credentials niya at pakiramdam din niya na mataas ang expectations sa kanya ng mga tao sa paligid.

And I remember when I used to get that “bawal maging tanga” feeling, too.

Sino Ba Talaga Ang Mataas Ang Expectations? Ang Ibang Tao Ba Talaga? O Ang Sarili Ko?

May mga anak na nakakaramdam ng sobrang pressure dahil sobrang taas din ng expectations ng mga magulang nila sa kanila. But in my case, not that my parents don’t expect for me to do well, pero awa ni Lord, kahit kailan, hindi nampressure ang mga magulang ko in any way.

Sa school naman noong nag-aaral pa ako, yung mga ‘terror’ teachers and professors, mahigpit man at ‘terror’ sa buong klase, pero hindi sa’kin personally. In short, hindi naman nila ako pinag initan. Maybe just a little push, pero hindi pressuring sa’kin.

Sa trabaho naman then and now, thank God, mababait at hindi micromanaging ang mga nagiging boss ko. Mababait din ang mga co-workers ko. Ang mga customers naman, karamihan mababait kahit minsan mayro’ng hindi.

So, kanino nanggagaling ang pressure na inilalagay ko sa sarili ko? Sa akin din mismo. Yes. As I continue to grow ang gradually mature, I realized na ako rin pala ang naglalagay ng sobra sobrang pressure sa sarili ko.

Ano Ba Talaga Ang Ikinape-Pressure Ko?

Wala naman. Nag iinarte lang talaga ako. LOL! Noon kasi, napakataas ng level of insecurity ko. Even though I easily get so much attention, I still felt like no one truly understands me, like no one really sees who I am, and that no one actually cares.

Pero syempre, that was eventually proven to be untrue. Masyado lang akong naging self-centered and self-absorbed noong mga panahong ‘yon to the point that it was a big deal for me to belong and be accepted by those people na gusto kong tumanggap sa’kin without noticing those ones who truly cared and loved me from the very beginning.

So, I thought, in order to be accepted and to ‘belong’, I took it upon myself to be “Miss Perfect”—bawal makasakit ng feelings ng ibang tao or maka offend, bawal maging different kasi baka masabihan ng ‘weird’ or ‘out-of-this-world”, bawal magkamali kasi baka masabihan ng “mukhang tanga”, dapat ganito, dapat ganyan, etc.—to the point na ikinulong at itinago ko na pala yung totoong ako. At nakakasakal ‘yon. Sobra. Mali ako do’n.

And I also graduated with honors and passed the licensure exam for the course that I studied. But when I migrated here in the US, I am currently not working in my field. In other words, I am underemployed.

And I used to think that I might be disappointing many people who knew my credentials.

But I am grateful to Jesus from freeing me from that way of thinking.

Wala Ba Talagang Makakatanggap Ng Totoo?

Mayro’n! Oo. Feeling ko lang noon wala. Bongga kasi yung pagse-self-pity ko noon eh. As in sumobra, ang OA na. di’ba? LOL!

Sa totoo lang, posible naman talagang may mga tao na hindi ako matatanggap at iba ang ineexpect sa’kin. But I know now that it’s not my problem. It’s not my life’s purpose to live up to their expectations at the expense of being true to myself and being true to my Creator.

In reality pala, there are some people who can be considerate, understanding, and forgiving. Mas maingay lang siguro yung mga taong hindi ganoon, o mas pinaglalaanan ko lang siguro sila ng energy kahit hindi naman dapat.

Dahil sa maling way of thinking and being a people-pleaser, I overlooked the possibility na pwede rin palang maging mas understanding and considerate ang ibang tao more than I have expected.

Sa sobrang takot kong ma-judge at ma-misunderstood, ako na pala, all this time, yung nanghuhusga at hindi nakakaintindi.

“DON’T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.”

Cliché na kung cliché pero kahit noon pa ako nasasabihan ng ganyan, lately ko lang tuluyang naintindihan. Medyo tanga rin eh noh? Pero keri lang! Tanggap ko na! LOL!

I know now that I am free. I have been set free from my own ‘cage‘. Yey!!! 😀

Sabi ko sa best friend ko, pwede siyang magkamali minsan kasi doon siya mas matututo. Kung sa work particularly, pwedeng may maging repercussions yung mga pagkakamali o pagkukulang niya, but she will become stronger and wiser because of it. Bekenemen kako may makaintindi sa kanya o mapagpasensiyahan siya since lagi namang excellent ang performance niya. Sana naman.

But at the end of the day, there is our Lord who understands, who gives multiple chances and room to grow. There is our Heavenly Father who sees us as precious under His loving gaze, Siya lang naman higit sa lahat ang nakakaalam ng totoong worth at identity natin dahil Siya ang Creator eh.

There is Jesus who has always loved us and accepted us kahit hindi tayo tanggap ng ibang tao, who will continue to love us even when we mess up, who is always ready to save us as soon as we accept His offer of love and salvation. And the Holy Spirit who is always ready to supply us with whatever we need in a situation, we just need to be open and humble to heed His promptings.

So, if you ask, “Beshy, bawal ba talagang maging tanga?”, pwede naman! Pero ingat ha? May katangahan kasing medyo fatal. Kaya tayo na’t magpray nang makapag discern. We will be fine. Matututunan ❤🙏🏻🤗

Photos Source: Unsplash and Pixabay

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